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JOKES

THIS WEEK'S JOKE, APRIL 12:

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

HUMOR ARCHIVE

Greeting people at the door after Easter services, Pastor Jane was delighted to shake hands with "Seldom-Seen" Steve, and even more delighted when he complimented her on her sermon and said service was "amazing." Faced with such evidence of faithfulness, she asked why he didn't come to church more often.

"I'm just following the Lord's example," he said. "If Christ can rise up early only one Sunday a year, that's good enough for me, too!"

*****

This year's church carnival included a dunking tank, where softball throwers with good aim could make a big splash with the pastor. The tank proved a popular attraction, but things really took off when the pastor put a sign above himself that read, "Goliath."

*****

In a moment creative inspiration, the entrepreneur who owned the Laundromat beside the church commissioned this sign for his window: "Where cleanliness really is next to Godliness!"

*****

Two pastors were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"

The pastor driving said, "Don't worry, Jesus is with us."

"In that case," the policeman said, "I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

*****

A Pastor in Florida lamented that it was very difficult to get his message across to his congregation. "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

*****

Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, "I'm a pastor!"

Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him... and cried too.

*****

Bulletin Bloopers

  • "As we move into the new worship center we want to ask everyone to avoid carrying food or drink (coffee, soft drinks, candy, pot, etc.) into the sanctuary."
  • "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 volunteers to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
  • "Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior."
  • "Announcement requesting baking donations for the annual bazaar: 'And I don't want abstract promises. I want concrete pies!'" "Announcing a covenanting service for the new minister, the bulletin had it as a 'coveting' service."
  • "As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing."

From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet 'e-zine' for Christians with a sense of humor." Subscribe by sending a blank email to rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com.

*****

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
—George Burns

*****

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession," says our man. "But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

"Get out," says the priest. "You're on my side."

—Shamelessly stolen from Rumors, the weekly ezine of Ralph Milton.

*****

An unmarried guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he goes to the pet store looking for something a bit unusual. He finally settles on a talking centipede, the kind that really does have a hundred legs.

The next day being Sunday, he decides to take the centipede to church. He goes up to the little centipede box and says, "Would you like to go to church with me today?"

There's no answer. A few minutes later he tries again. "How about going to church with me?" After a few more minutes, he says, more urgently, "Are you coming?"

A tiny, bug-like voice comes out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

*****

To prepare for his talk about global missions, the speaker had brought an inflatable globe the size of a beach ball. Misfortune struck when minutes before the talk his globe sprang a leak and deflated.

Nonplused, the speaker used the limp prop to make a point: "Funny how, when you get rid of a lot of the hot air, the world isn't very small after all."

*****

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area," said Peter.

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!"

*****

As Bill was approaching mid-life, not only was he going bald, but he also had a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. Determined to change his life, he joined a gym, started eating right, and got an expensive hair transplant and new clothes. Six months later he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

All dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"

From up above, there came a voice, "Bill? Is that you? I didn't recognize you."

*****

The drunk boasts to the stranger he's just met, "I'm Jesus Christ, and I can prove it!" He leads his new friend to a bar. When they enter, the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ, are you here again?"

*****

A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says "I can't figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"

*****

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

*****

Pastor's Announcement Before Offering:

"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."

*****

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

*****

Forget EPA estimates! Per mile, the most expensive vehicle to operate is the shopping cart!

*****

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said, “This church has really got to walk,” to which someone in the back yelled, "Let her walk, preacher!"

The preacher then said, “If this church is going to go, it's got to get up and run!” Somone again yelled with gusto, "Let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "If this church is going to go it's got to really fly!" Once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "Let her fly, preacher, let her fly!"

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "If this church is really going to fly, it's going to need money!" Someone in the back yelled, with gusto, "Let her walk, preacher, let her walk!"

*****

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most generous givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

*****

As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: "Dear God, please don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

-Sherri Leard, in Readers Digest

*****
For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church, these are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they're cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring. 5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I'm older. 8. I really don't have the time. 9. The bathroom isn't warm enough. 10. People who make soap are only after your money.
*****
A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's Roman style collar and mistook him for a Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about that, father,” he said. “Just try and slow it down a little, OK?"
As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you!  You know who he thought you were!"
"Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
*****
Two priests die at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No,” he says. “I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case. I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
When the computer is running again, God asks St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" 
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult” He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
*****
A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
*****
Three little boys discovered they were about the only ones in their playgroup who weren’t baptized, so they decided to do something about it.
They went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there. “I’ll baptize you,” he said, and one at a time he dunked their little heads in a toilet bowl.
When they got outside, one of the boys asked, “What religion do you think we are?'
The oldest one said, “We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. And we’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
The middle boy said, “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn't you smell that water?! I think we’re Pisscopailians.”
*****
A retired  preacher was driving to town to buy a lawn mower when he saw one at a yard sale. When he stopped, he found the mower was purring nicely at idle and the seller assured him it ran great. Satisfied, the preacher brought the mower home. But the next day he pulled the starter rope again and again, but it would not start, no matter what he tried.
Finally he called the seller and accused him of deception. “I said the mower runs great, NOT that it starts great,” the man reminded him. “But there is a secret. You have to cuss at the mower – really let it know who’s boss.”
The preacher was aghast. “I haven’t cussed in years,” he said. “I don’t think I remember how.” The seller chuckled a bit and said, “Well, if you keep pulling on that starter rope, eventually it’ll all come back to you.”
*****
Fun Quotes
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” Benjamin Franklin
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein
“How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.” Abraham Lincoln
*****
“Why don’t you go to church?” the Lutheran pastor asked the man with whom he had struck up a conversation in the grocery line. “All I have are my work clothes,” he said, looking down at his dusty jeans, muddy boots and sweat-stained tee shirt. “I can’t come to a Lutheran Church like this.” The pastor then collected some nice clothes from the congregation and gave the man quite an upgrade in his wardrobe. Several weeks later the pastor bumped into him again. This time the man wore a pair of kakhi slacks, penny loafers and a buttondown shirt. “Why didn’t I see you at church?” the pastor asked. "Well,” the man began, “Last Sunday I showered, shaved and put on the clothes you gave me. I looked so dang good I decided to go to the Episcopal Church instead.”
*****
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religious man replies, "No I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again: "God will grant me a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

*****
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

*****
Biblical Questions and Answers:
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

*****
A lawyer, a doctor and a pastor went hunting.  When they saw a buck, all three of them shot at the deer simultaneously. But only one shot struck the buck, and an argument broke out on which of them had actually made the kill.
A game officer came on the scene and, after examining the buck, settled the matter. “The pastor shot the buck,” he said with confidence. “I can tell because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

*****
After the service, a parishioner thanked the minister for the wonderful sermon. "I found it so helpful," she said. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." "Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman. "Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months."

*****
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

*****
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

*****
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!

*****
When a toddler asked the pastor why he wore a clerical collar, the minister explained it was part of the “uniform” for a pastor in their denomination. He then removed it from his shirt for the lad to examine.
“Do you know what it says on the collar?” asked the pastor.
The boy, who didn’t know how to read, looked at the letters and guessed, “Kills fleas and ticks up to six months.”
*****
How many sopranos in the choir does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

*****
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses. Other monasteries, they knew, had opened bakeries or wineries. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over.
One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, “I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?”
“No,” answered the brother levelly, “I’m the ‘chip monk’.”

*****
Joe was opening a new business, and one of his friends decided to send flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived and Joe read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." Joe, enraged, called the florist to complain. The florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

*****
A minister was walking to church one morning when he passed one of his members working in his garden. "Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?" asked the minister.
"Eh, what's that?" said the member.
"Can't you hear those bells calling you to church?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to speak a little louder!" said the member.
 "CAN'T YOU HEAR THOSE BELLS CALLING YOU TO CHURCH?!" shouted the minister.
"I'm sorry," said the member, "I can't hear you because of those darned BELLS!"

*****
When the Lutheran pastor’s three Baptist colleagues accepted her invitation to participate in a special worship service one Sunday, she placed an additional three seats for them in the sanctuary.
The assisting minister asked what they were for.
“Three chairs for the Baptists,” the pastor said.
“What?” asked the assisting minister, who was hard of hearing.
The pastor said louder, “Three chairs for the Baptists.”
“What?” he asked again.
Practically shouting, the pastor said, “Three chairs for the Baptists!”
The assisting minister dutifully turned to the congregation and said, “Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!”

*****
After finishing the last book of the Left Behind series, the believer’s phone rang, and it was Jesus!
Jesus: "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I am back."
Believer: "And the bad news?"
Jesus: "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

*****
The full-of-herself religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors called on Sunday morning and asked to borrow her lawn mower.

“The very idea of cutting grass on Sunday,” she ranted to her husband. “Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them our lawn mower is broken.”

*****

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".
The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

*****
Denominational falling:

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over."

When a Lutheran minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "Who pushed me?"
*****
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."
*****
When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have paper, they say that you were not prepared!
*****
A family went to church one day. The choir sang beautifully and the Pastor preached the word of God profoundly. The congregation shouted and danced praised unto God. They had a really exciting time in The Lord. On the way home, the youngest son said. "Dad, I can't believe they put on that whole show for only a dollar!"
*****
After church one Sunday, little Suzy announced that she wanted to be a pastor. Pleased and surprised, her parents asked her why she came to that decision.

“Well,” she explained, “I figured it would be more fun to stand in front and yell than sit in the pews and listen.”
*****
Inscribed in stone over the front doors of the grand old church was the message,
“This is the Gate of Heaven.”

But on the door the staff had placed a sign, “Please Use Side Entrance.”
*****
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
*****
A preacher's young daughter asked her dad why, before entering the pulpit to preach, he always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He replied, “I'm asking God to help me preach a good sermon.

After a moment’s thought, she asked, "Daddy, why doesn't God do it?"
*****
The minister stormed into the lay council and flung his sermon notes on the table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of asses!" The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"
*****
An impoverished old man applied for membership in a rich church. The pastor attempted to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks, and finally dismissed him, saying, “Go ahead and pray on it.”

Several days later he returned.   "Well," asked the pastor, "did the Lord give you a message?"   "Yes Sir, he did" was the old man's answer.  "He told me it wasn't any use.  He said, 'I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years, and I still can't make it.'"
*****
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
*****
A seminary student was preaching his first sermon. He meant to say that "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil." However, what came off of his stammering tongue was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil."
*****
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."  The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
*****
A minister was worried about asking the congregation for money for repairs, so, he asked the organist if she could play some inspirational music to get the congregation in a giving mood after he made his pitch.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister said, "We still need $6,000 more for the new roof. Would those who can pledge at least $100 please stand up."

Just then the organist began "The Star Spangled Banner."
*****
The minister stormed into the council and flung his sermon notes on the table.
"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of asses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'brothers and sisters.”
*****
The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century."

Someone spoke up: " Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?" The pastor replied, "Let's take it one century at a time."
*****
Realistic New Year’s Resolutions
10. Read less. There are better things to do with your time.
9. Forget dieting. It’s easier to gain weight than to lose it.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. There are too many good programs that you're missing.
6. Procrastinate more. You didn't want to do it anyway.
5. Drink more alcohol. It’s no fun being sober.
4. Start being more superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work. The boss won’t approve time off anyway.
2. Stop bringing food from home. There are plenty of fast food restaurants.
1.  Take up a new habit. Smoking? Swearing? Drinking? All three?
*****
The pastor was out Christmas shopping for his family when he saw a great train set display in the high-end toy store. After 10 minutes of rapt watching, he told the sales woman, “I’ll take it.”

“Your son will really like it,” she beamed.

The pastor thought a moment and said, “In that case, I’ll take two.”
*****
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
*****
The pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."  "It might be worse," said the preacher.   The friend came unglued: "man alive, how could it be worse?"  to which the pastor replied: "it might be true."
*****
No sooner had the church installed hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms when the pastor called for them to be removed. The units worked fine, but some wag had written on the wall above the dryer in the men’s room, "Push button for a sample our pastor’s preaching.”
*****
Four pastors were on vacation when one of them confessed he had a problem with alcohol.  He knew these men, his most trusted and valued friends, would quietly help him.
The second pastor said that he too, had a secret vice -- gambling.
The third pastor confided that lust was a really big issue for him.
The fourth pastor announced that he also had a problem: gossip.
*****
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?"

The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
*****
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Jones told her pastor, "I'm so scared! My husband says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."

"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, tired of hearing this before. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Jones. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."

"Only what, my child?"

"Now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"

"Well," said the pastor. "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."
*****
A bishop visited a church in his jurisdiction. Only three people turned up to hear him preach.

He asked the pastor, "Did you publicize my visit?"

"No," replied the pastor, "but word seems to have gotten around anyway".
*****
Two pastors were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
*****
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.

”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's on her way."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.

The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived. When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said. She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
*****
The young pastor was excited when they asked him to preach one Sunday in prison, but he was also very nervous .

On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood behind the pulpit, he said, “Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!”
*****
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...

"Then which does God believe?"
*****
When the pastor arrived at the family’s house for dinner, the little girl informed him that her mama was cooking buzzard for dinner.

“We’re having chicken,” her father reassured the pastor.

“But daddy,” the daughter exclaimed, “I heard Mommy tell you we were having the old buzzard for dinner.”
*****
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”
*****
“Thanks for the generous donation,” the church treasurer said, looking at a check she had just been handed.

The donor smiled. “Well, you can thank the Holy Spirit.”

The treasurer rolled her eyes. “C’mon. It wasn’t that generous.”
*****
The greatest surprise of Mary's life was receiving a dollar on her fourth birthday. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it.
"What are you going to do with your dollar?" her mother asked.
"Take it to Sunday School," said Mary promptly.
"To show your teacher?" Mary shook her head.
"No," she said. "I'm going to give it to God. He'll be as surprised as I am to get something besides pennies."
*****
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
*****
The visitor was curious when he saw the Bible verse on the door from 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."

It all became clear when the visitor realized the door was to the nursery.
*****
Recreation is my shepherd, I shall not stay at home; It maketh me to lie down in a sleeping bag; It leadeth me down the interstate each weekend.
It restoreth my suntan; It leadeth me to state parks for comfort's sake. Even though I stray on the Lord's Day, I will fear no reprimand, for I am relaxed; My rod and reel they comfort me.
I anointed my skin with oil, My gas tank runneth dry; Surely my trailer shall follow me all the weekends of summer, And I shall return to the house of the Lord this fall.
But by then, it will be hunting season and football season, And that's another psalm.
*****
Q: How many independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - any more than that and it might seem like an ecumenical activity.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, as long as it's done decently and in order.

Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that: This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps. And we seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential. The second Unitarian's job is to read this statement and then write the obligatory criticism and dissent.

Q: How many missions magazine editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one -- they're trained to bring light to a dark world.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - there's no point, since atheists refuse to see the light.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels an inner light.

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen - one to change the bulb and 12 to sit around talking about how much they miss the old bulb.

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they just wait for God to say "Let there be light."

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If God has predestined the light bulb to shine, it will change itself.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? What is this change you speak of?

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.
*****
The greatest surprise of Mary's life was receiving a dollar on her fourth birthday. She carried the bill about the house and was seen sitting on the stairs admiring it.

"What are you going to do with your dollar?" her mother asked.

"Take it to Sunday School," said Mary promptly.

"To show your teacher?" Mary shook her head.

"No," she said. "I'm going to give it to God. He'll be as surprised as I am to get something besides pennies."
*****
“What did you learn in Sunday school?” the grandfather asked the little boy after church.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” replied the grandfather. “Didn’t you study Jesus?”
The boy scowled. “No, he wasn’t even there.”
*****
During a Lutheran worship service a man began to be moved by the Spirit.
Out loud he said "Amen!" People around him were a little disturbed.
Then louder he said, "Hallelujah!" A few more people were becoming disturbed.
Louder still he shouted "Praise Jesus!"
An usher moved quickly down the aisle. He bent over and whispered to the man, "Sir! Control yourself!"
The man exclaimed, "I can't help it. I got religion!!!"
To which the usher responded, "Well you didn't get it here!"
*****
Definitions:
Bulletin: 1)Something to read during the sermon; 2)a fan used in churches without air conditioning; 3)your receipt for attending church.
Choir: A group of people who sing loudly enough to enable the rest of us to lip-sync all hymns.
Recessional hymn: The final hymn, and usually the quietest of all hymns because so many parishioners have already left before it is sung.
Ushers: The only guys in the church who still do not know the actual seating capacity of a pew.
Relics: Older members who still remember when to sit, stand, and kneel during worship. *****
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."
*****
A man who died is refused entry into heaven. “There’s no record of you having done a good deed,” St. Peter explained. “Have you?”

The man thinks and replies, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I stopped, grabbed my tire iron, walked up to the leader of the gang and yelled 'Leave her alone, you sick, deranged animals!’ ''

Impressed, St. Peter asks, “When did this happen?'

“About two minutes ago.”
*****
As the substitute preacher was greeting the congregation he made the statement, "You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he's not the real glass." He then proceeded with his sermon. After the service, a lady approached him trying to pay him a compliment by saying, "You weren't a replacement after all. You were a real pane.
*****
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies," I didn't recognize you."
*****
All four churches in the small town had a serious problem with squirrel infestation.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work.
The Lutherans had the best solution. They confirmed the squirrels, and now they see the animals only at Christmas and Easter.
*****
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
*****
The Preacher’s Lament
"If I express myself on a subject, I'm trying to run things.
If I'm silent, I'm dumb or have lost interest.
If I'm often at my office (preparing messages), why don't I get out and learn what's going on.
If I'm out when they call, why am I not tending to business, or studying for a message.
If I'm not at home at night, I'm out having a good time.
If I'm home, I'm neglecting important outside contacts and activities.
If I don't agree with persons, I'm bullheaded.
If I do agree, I don't have any ideas of my own.
If I don't do what I'm requested, I'm a very poor pastor or minister.
If I do agree, well, that's what I'm paid for.
If I give someone a short answer, I'm "too big for my britches."
If I attempt to explain the pros and cons of an issue, I'm a know-it-all.
If I'm well dressed, I think I'm a big shot.
If I'm not, I'm a poor representative of my office.
If I'm on the job a short time, I'm inexperienced.
If I've been there a long time, It's time for a change."
*****
One day God called Jesus and his helpers into a meeting.
God said that he wanted them to create a data base on heaven’s super computer.
He said He wanted them to list everyone who had ever been born and all the good and bad things that each had done since the beginning of time.
They all said they could do that and so they sat at their keyboards for hours, then days and weeks.
Finally they were almost done when there was a power failure in heaven and the computers all went off. Only seconds later the lights came back on and all the computers started to re-boot. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth and pounding of keyboards as this happened. Down at the end of the table sat Jesus with a big smile on His face.
Why was Jesus smiling amongst all this dismay?
Jesus Saves!
*****
After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.
After a pause, he replied, "I am transferring from the Country View Golf Course."
*****
The Lutheran church had a small congregation of very faithful people -- all but one brother who had quit coming to church. The pastor went to his farm, and asked him why he didn't attend anymore. "Gee, Pastor, I only have these coveralls and old boots, and I don't want to come to the Lord's house dressed like this."

The pastor said, "I've got a spare shirt, sports coat, slacks and shoes I'll give you if you'll come back!"

The man agreed, and the pastor came back that afternoon with the clothes. Next Sunday the man didn't show up again.

He went out to the farm and asked, "I gave you all those clothes, why didn't you come to church?"

“Well, Pastor," the man said, "I got up and showered and shaved, and I put on those neat duds, and I looked in the mirror. I looked so durn good I went to the Episcopal church!"
*****
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are they who mourn...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are they who thirst for justice...
Blessed are you when persecuted...
Blessed are you when you suffer...
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven...

Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?'
And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?'
And James said, 'Will we have a test on it?'
And Philip said, 'What if we don't know it?'
And Bartholomew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?'
And John said, 'The other disciples didn't have to learn this.'
And Matthew said, 'When do we get out of here?'
And Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?'

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.

And Jesus wept...
*****
Fuzzy Sabbath Logic, from Matthew 12

Matthew 12.9 Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, 10 and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?" .  . . 14 But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

Lesson: For the Pharisees it’s sinful to heal on the Sabbath, but OK to plot murder.
*****
A dentist came home to his wife excited about serving in the mission field using his dental skills. When she was against the idea, the dentist replied, “I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this."

The wife was skeptical. "How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?"

"It's in the Bible. Psalms 81:10.”

So she looked it up. I, the LORD, am your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.
*****
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
*****
Bulletin bloopers
Our annual church picnic will be held Saturday afternoon. If it rains, it will be held in the morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.
The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.
The low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p. m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Women's Group sale of unwanted items. Please bring your husbands.
The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Would the congregation kindly remember that the box marked 'For the Sick' is for financial contributions only.
The vicar is on holiday until the 27th. Local clergy will be celebrating on the Sundays when he is away.
Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man
Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?
*****
The Television Psalm
The TV is my Shepherd, I shall not want anything else.
It maketh me to lie down on the sofa.
It leadeth me away from the Scripture.
It destroyeth my soul.
It leadeth me in the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors’ sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will enjoy the evil, for blood and sex, they excite me.
It prepares a filthy commercial before me in the presence of my children.
It anoints my head with humanism. My coveting runneth over.
Surely laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever.
*****
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a class of children about creation. "Now, children," she said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?"
"God does it," answered one little girl, "but fertilizer helps."
*****
From a church bulletin:  “A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
*****
Did you hear about the group of dyslexic devil worshippers? They sold their souls to Santa!
*****
After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief, preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets."
*****
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a week, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
*****
10 Things You Never Hear in Church:
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 10 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live as we do.
7. I love when we sing new hymns!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
*****
A distraught woman asked the advice of her wise pastor. “I was born blind,” she exclaimed, “But some people tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "I see you carry a cane. Next time someone says that,  hit them over the head with the cane," he said. "Then tell them if they had more faith it wouldn't hurt!"
*****
Resolution Evolution:

Number 1:
2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2006: I will read 5 books a year.
2007: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2008: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
Number 2:
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Number 3:
2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will try to be out of the country by 2009.
Number 4:
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2006: I will not leave Marge.
2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Number 5:
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
2006: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2007: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2008: I will stop looking at other women.
Number 6:
2005: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2007: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2008: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Number 7:
2005: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2006: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2007: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2008: I will not speak to Charlie.
Number 8:
2005: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2007: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2008: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Number 9:
2005: I will see my dentist this year.
2006: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2007: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2008: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Number 10:
2005: I will go to church every Sunday.
2006: I will go to church as often as possible.
2007: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2008: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
*****
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "You do have your own holiday. April first!"
*****
A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
*****
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother  that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.  It took his  mother a while before she realized that  the hymn was. "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
*****
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with Castor Oil?
A religious movement.
*****
A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
*****
On Veterans Day Sunday, the pastor noticed a young man standing and staring at the recently polished plaque hanging in the church foyer. He asked, “Who are these people, Pastor?”

The pastor responded, “They are our church members who have died in the service.”

The young man nodded but looked perplexed. After a moment he asked, “Which service -- the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
*****
"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
*****
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
"Then which does God believe?"
*****
Little Johnny was feeling queasy in church, so he whispered to his mom, "I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and throw up behind the bushes. Nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny bolted for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat, looking greatly relieved.  "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
*****
God was upset by the bad behavior in the world, so God sent an angel to investigate. The angel reported the bad news: 95 percent of the people on earth are misbehaving, and only 5 percent are good, decent people.

To comfort and encourage them, God sent every good and decent person an email.

Do you know what it said? You don’t? I didn’t get the email either.
*****
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
*****
It's about two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs...AMEN... BROTHER!

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again....PREACH IT REVEREND!

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying.... they jumped to their feet and screamed, RIGHT ON BROTHER.... TELL IT LIKE IT IS.....AMEN!

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "Now he's quit preaching and gone to meddlin'."
*****
Favorite Hymns of Lukewarm Lutheran Church:
1. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
2. Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
3. Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
4. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
5. All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name
6. My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
7. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
8. My Faith Looks Around for Thee
9. Be Thou My Hobby
10. O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
11. Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
12. Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
13. He’s Quite a Bit to Me
14. Oh, How I Like Jesus
15. I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
16. Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
17. I Surrender Some
18. Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
19. I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
20. Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
21. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
22. Special, Special, Special
23. Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
24. Stick Nearby, It’s Getting Dark Outside
25. Take My Life and Let Me Be
26. There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
27. There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
28. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
29. When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
30. When the Saints Go Sneaking In
31. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
32. God of Taste, and God of Stories
33. Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
*****
The Perfect Pastor

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. The pastor condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He or she works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. The pastor 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and spends most of the time with the senior citizens. He or she smiles all the time with a straight face because of a sense of humor that keeps the pastor seriously dedicated to his church. The Perfect Pastor makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And she or he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!
*****
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
*****
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Lutheran preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble making families!
*****
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".

The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"

To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
*****
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
*****
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found, printed by “Guten” – or something like that.

“Gutenberg?" asked the collector. The friend nodded.

"You fool! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed, a book worth millions of dollars!”

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth much," said the friend. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
*****
Q: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
A: Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
*****
Welcome to Church “Lite”
We are pleased to make the following promises:
7. Guaranteed 30-minute sermon or your next one's free!
6. Your choice of only 8 commandments
5. Only happy hymns and choruses
4. Fewer commitments
3. No messages on subjects that hit too close to home
2. Reclining pews with pillow pads and head rests
1. Offering followed by a complimentary beverage and after service mint
*****
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
*****
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
*****
"I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied.
"It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer.
"Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
*****
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?
*****
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
*****
Does Your Church Expect the Perfect Pastor?

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!
*****
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,'but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog atthe trough!'"

The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..."

"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig just walked in."
* * * * *
A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way.
When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen!
* * * * *
Christian Pickup Lines
1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
10) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
* * * * *
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said -
put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
* * * * *
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business.  They ignored her.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.  Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story:  

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
* * * * *
Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch.  As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right.

"Oh, yes, Jesus is with us," one replied.

The drunk thought that over for a minute.  "Well, you'd better let him get in with me, you're going to kill him!" 
* * * * *
Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments". 
9. You look really, really good in yellow. 
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
* * * * *
Mrs. Jones asked her Sunday school pupils to draw a painting based on a Bible story. She was shocked when Johnny drew a naked man and naked woman riding in the back of a convertible, a clothed chauffeur behind the wheel.

"Johnny!" she exclaimed. "This isn't out of the Bible!"

"Sure it is," he replied. "It's God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden."
* * * * *
Dressed in her Sunday best, a little girl was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell—getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!”
* * * * *
A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
* * * * *
A pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. He confessed that they worked fine, but removed them because some wag had written, "For this week's sermon, push the button."
* * * * *
Seen on a church sign:

"We welcome all denominations — $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100."
* * * * *
Two ministers met in the after life. One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?" The other said, "This isn't heaven!"
A pastor put sanitary hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church but after two weeks took them out. Some wag had posted a sign next to the dryer: "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
* * * * *
A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
* * * * *
Catholic priest and a Presbyterian Minister used to discuss mutual parish problems over a game of tennis. After a recent visit to the courts they went to have their showers when fire broke out. Naked they ran out into the street. Whilst running for safety the preacher covered his private parts and looking up noticed that his catholic colleague held his hands over his face. He said: Why do you cover your face? Well replied the priest: Most people recognise my face.
* * * * *
The teacher asked the pastor's daughter, "Ashley, If you had $5 and you asked your father for $3 more, how many dollars would you have?"

Without missing a beat Ashley responded, "I would have five dollars..."

The teacher retorted, "You don't know your arithmetic!"

Ashley replied, "No, you don't know my father!"
* * * * *
Letters to the Pastor
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
* * * * *
Things to do during a boring sermon
* Pass a note to to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
* See if a yawn really is contagious.
* Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
* Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
* Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.
* Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
* Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
* Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
* Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
* Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
* Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
* Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
* Unobtrusively draw your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
* Try to raise one eyebrow.
* Crack your knuckles.
* Twiddle your thumbs.
* Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.
* Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
* * * * *
You might be in the wrong church if ...

* The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a Jacuzzi.
* The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.
* The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.
* The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
* The Choir wears black leather robes.
* The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
* When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
* New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.
* The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
* * * * *
A man made his way quickly through the carriages of a train in Ireland, calling out "I need a priest! Is there a Catholic priest on the train?" There was no reply.

He then went back through the train, asking "Is there a rabbi on the train?" Again, no reply.

He made his way through a third time, crying out "OK, is there an Episcopalian priest on the train?" Still no answer.

Finally a man in in the corner of the carriage timidly raised his hand and said "I am a Lutheran minister, if that's of any help". The man took one look at him and said "That's no good, we're lookin' for a corkscrew."
* * * * *
The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years.

Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings..

She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for..

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
* * * *
A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."
* * * * *
An 8-year-old's view of non-believers
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in my town.
At least there aren't any who come to our church."
* * * * *
Good News and Bad News for Pastors
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The church council accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The Church Council has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.
* * * * *
Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the other men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear what a good cook Adam's mother was.
* * * *
A very gracious lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother across the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
* * * * *
Lily Tomlin once said,  "Why is it that when you are talking to God, we
say you are praying.   But, when God is talking to you, we say you're
schizophrenic."
* * * * *
Why God never received tenure at any university...
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
* * * *
* A wise Sunday school teacher sends this note to all parents after the first class in the fall: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at Sunday school, I'll promise not to believe everything she says happens at home."
* * * * *
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
   "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
   "How do you know that?"
   "Easy," the little boy said.
   "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
   4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
* * * * *
A man of some wealth overheard a lady remarking, "Oh, if I only had fifty dollars I would be perfectly content."  

He thought about that for a few moments. If the lady only had fifty dollars she would be content. He thought to himself, "Well, I can help her out." So he walked up to her and handed her a fifty dollar bill with his best wishes. She was very overt in her show of gratitude. She really appreciated his gift. As she walked away he heard her mumble under her breath, "Why on earth didn't I say one hundred dollars?" 
* * * * *
A true story: the chairman of the Finance Committee declared the meeting could not be convened for lack of quorum. He asked one of the ministers present to lead in a prayer. Tired of the lengthy meeting, the minister intended to help the cause when he prayed: "Lord, we thank you for your Word that says, 'where two or three are gathered in your name, they have a quorum. . ." The meeting was promptly convened with a full quorum!
* * * * *
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lay awake all night wondering if there is a Dog.
* * * * *
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
* * * * *
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
 
 The Health Department said, "Since there is no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."
 
 When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."
 
 The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.
 
 The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
 
 The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
* * * * *
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
* * * * *
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"
* * * * *
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
* * * * *
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
* * * * *
Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?

"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."

The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.

'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'

The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"

 
 
 
      Copyright 2009 Stewardship of Life Institute